It's so &%$#ing cold!!!!

It's freezing outside. I refuse to turn my heater on because if I do, it'll be 90 degrees in my apartment.

I'm at my goal weight.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very excited about this. It's a huge accomplishment. However, I want to look even better...I want to be toned and lean. My goal is to be well-toned by Spring Break. Obviously, I'm my harshest critic.

I've been told I look amazing. I don't really believe that just yet. But I will. It'll just take a little time. .

Be patient with me.....I'll get there.

Miley Cyrus did WHAT?!?!?!

Saw a video on the news of Miley Cyrus smoking out of a bong. Had a good laugh. I almost regret putting that as my title....honestly, I don't give a monkey's about that skankasaurus.

Anyway, 85 lbs down. Size 12, close to a 10. Still look in the mirror and see the old me for some reason. I occasionally have moments where I do something and I say, "Wow....couldn't do THAT before...."

Protein is still a problem, but apparently it is for all patients. Hair is doing much much better. Considering getting a boob job at some point. Don't necessarily NEED one, but I'd like one. I just wanna feel sexy and curvy.

I finished the semester swimmingly. Three As and a B. Best semester yet. I'm now back at home for break. Also back at work. I sell lotion to cranky old ladies. It has its moments, lol.

Have my (hopefully) last sleep study tomorrow night. I hope to Invisible Sky Daddy that I don't have to have that stupid CPAP machine anymore.....I haven't used it in a month and a half anyway...

Things are picking up....and I'm very hopeful. I want to graduate so badly.

I worked today so I'm exhausted and my feet are bitchin' at me so peace.

"I would believe only in a god who could dance."

-from Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Friedrich Nietzsche.

-A.M.H.

It'll be awhile.....

Now that I'm almost 80 pounds down, I have some updates for you all....

Feeling pretty much normal after my most recent surgery. A few twinges of pain from the incisions every now and again, but other than that, everythings back to the way it was.

My big sister visited a few weeks ago. She hasn't seen me since before I had the surgery. She was very encouraging and seemed very happy with my progress.

On the bad side of things.....

My hair is thinning significantly. I'm not going bald, but my hair is definitely not as thick as it used to be. This is due to the fact that I'm not getting enough protein. I need up to 80 grams a day, an when your stomach is small, like mine, its a nearly impossible task. The reason this is worrying to me is because when I was heavy, my hair was one of the only things about me physically that I really liked. And when it started to thin, it was difficult to deal with. I'm relying on the fact that my hair will come back when my weight loss slowly stops, which should be soon.

And now.....a history lesson.....

A few days ago, I began experiencing physical panic symptoms for the first time in almost four years. Back then, I would have panic attacks constantly and chronically, to the point where I could not sleep (they would wake me up). It got so bad that I literally wanted to die. I recieved the help I needed through a cognitive therapist and medicine. I was back to normal relatively quickly, but that time in my life will always scar me. So, as anyone would expect, even the slightest feeling of panic terrified me. I deduced the reason for this was because about a month after surgery, I decided to stop taking my medicine, seeing as I was losing the weight (which was a big part of my anxiety) and I hadn't had any problems in a long time. As such, I began taking the medicine again and I'm beginning to feel better. It shows me that losing weight did not and will not solve all my problems. Luckily I have the tools, a loving family and amazing doctors to help me through all the rough patches I will inevitably experience in my life. I thank God (or whoever it is) for this everyday.

I'm going to focus on exercising and, of course, my school work. Peace and love!

A.M.H.

Finally something bad happened...

I recently experienced my first major complication from surgery.

On Wednesday around noon, I began experiencing excruciating pain in my abdomen. Since the pain was in the site of a major surgery, I was extremely concerned for my health. I went to the ER at MCH where, after waiting for almost three hours, I was told I had "gastrointeritis". Albeit, the ER doctor did no major investigation of my pain; he simply poked my stomach a few times. I was given a disgusting drink that numbed my whole mouth and coated my stomach. The pain was somewhat reduced, but it did not disappear entirely. I was sent home.

The next morning, on my way to Tulsa for a follow-up with my surgeon, the pain came back only worse. Dr. Gorospe listened to me describe the pain and told me that I probably had an internal hernia, which is a relatively common complication of gastric bypass. I'll explain.

When Dr. G was sewing the incisions closed, he was sewing into fat tissue. Well, I've lost almost 70 pounds.....that fat tissue was disappearing. The sutures slowly opened. My small intestine became tangled in the sutures, causing me to vomit when I ate and caused me extreme pain.

I had surgery to fix the hernia on Tuesday of this past week. I also had some scar tissue removed, which could have added to the pain. Once again, MCH treated me amazingly.

I'm feeling quite sore and weak. I'm getting stronger everyday, but it'll be a little while before I'll be back to normal.

*~*~*~*~*

For our friends in California: PLEASE VOTE YES on PROP 19!!!!!!!

......insert title here.

It's been awhile....been busy with school. Down 60 lbs so far.

I finally starting to see the changes that everyone else is seeing. My cloths that used to be snug are not falling off. I never thought it would be just as frustrating to have clothes that don't fit because they're too big!

Nothing exciting happening. Peace!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

Wow. Long time since I've posted. I've lost 44 pounds. I'm below 200 pounds for the first time since ninth grade. I can really see the changes now. I've also cut off some of my hair. Instead of being down to the middle of my back, it's now at my shoulders. I love it, especially in this heat. Well, I move into my new apartment on the 6th and I'm so ready for school to start!

Namaste!

Sorry, it's been awhile since I've last posted. Been really busy with my summer class and getting ready for my new apartment (my first-ever own place!). Thanks to my summer class and it's fabulous professor, I've fallen in love with India and its very diverse culture (hence the "Namaste"). Right now I'm getting ready to the fall semester and moving into my new place.

So far I've lost 33 pounds and I've gone down two sizes. I'm very happy with my results. But I must express....there is a dark side.

I've been suffering from what's called "post bariatric surgery depression". I have days where I regret doing the surgery in the first place. As many people do, I am an emotional eater. Stressed, happy, sad, mad...you name it. Being an emotional eater is now impossible. My stomach is now about the size of your thumb. It can only hold about three to five ounces at a time. I can't emotional binge eat. That's not where the issue itself arises. No, it is now having to deal with the fact that I can't eat for comfort and that I have to find something else to do. It's very challenging.

I had no idea the emotional aspect of this surgery would take such a toll. I'm doing better now. I'm back on my old meds and I have my family, my friends and school to take my mind of things.

P.S. - Indian food is the BEST. Saag paneer=epicness.

Thanks for all the kind works of encouragement. Bless you all.

A.M.H.